The List
by anakinlove
Summary: Hey KF, look, Batman left a list of rules for the cave. Lets read 'em.


"Shh, shut up KF or he'll hear us."

"Ohh, he's not even in there right now."

'I know, but he has secret spy cameras every where."

"He does not."

"He might." Kid Flash and Robin emerged slowly from the crack in the wall where they had snuck into the batcave and gazed around.

"Whoa", Kid said, "this place gets bigger every time I come here." Robin nodded and grinned.

"Pretty chill huh? Come on, lets go find something to do."

"Ok", KF said, gleefully following his friend. "What's there to do in here?"

"I don't know", Robin replied, "whatever you want." KF gave a sigh.

"Gee", he said, "I don't know. When does the big bad Bat get back?"

"Beats me", Robin mumbled, feeling around on the wall for the light switch. He found it and flicked it upward. Light splashed over everything. "Far as I know, he's gone for at least a few hours."

"So", KF said, collapsing on one of the couches, "what should we do until then?"

"Hmm", said Robin, walking over to the computer. "What's this?" There was a note taped to the screen. It was a very long piece of paper covered in the unmistakable scrawl of the Dark Knight. KF got up and looked over Robin's shoulder.

"It looks like a list of rules", he said.

"How lame", Robin replied, "lets read 'em."

"Ok", KF said. So he and Robin sat down to read.

_Batman's rules of the batcave and the bat gear_

_You will not bring girls in to pole dance on the bat poles _

_You will not throw parties in the batcave_

_No matter how hard you try, the batmobile will never pop a wheelie. Don't try. _

_The baterangs are used as weapons against crime, NOTHING ELSE!_

_The giant dinosaur cannot be used as an alternative form of transportation when you crash your Robin bike _

_The giant penny is not an acceptable form of currency in any country _

_You are not allowed to build a nest above the batcave and call it your bird nest _

_Making bird noises when guests come over makes me look bad, don't do it_

_The bats in the cave are not pets _

_You will not replace the bat smoke pellets with instant grow mini sponge animals_

_You will not grow sea monkeys in the subterranean lake _

_You will not use the monitors to watch MTV or family guy or anything else _

_There is no Robin signal. Stop telling people there is one. _

_You are not to take the whirly bat to school, no matter how late you are _

_You are not to paint orange spots on the bat jet _

_No sleep overs in the batcave _

_The giant dice are not for actual gambling _

_Lost puppies cannot be kept in the cave _

_There is no Robin cave, there never was one and there never will be one. _

_You will not wear your Robin costume to a costume party, not matter how_ _scratchy the fabric on other costumes is _

_You will not replace my bat costume with one of the ones with fake abs from Wal-Mart. I've got real ones. _

_Kid Flash is not allowed to touch anything in the cave _

_You cannot take the batboat out yachting with your friends _

_You are not allowed to book me for any private viewings to impress girls_

_No swimming parties in the subterranean lake _

_Pictures of me in that Speedo I wore on in Bermuda are not allowed to leave the cave_

_You are not allowed to kidnap Plastic man or Elongated man to install as super bounce houses in the cave _

_No using the bat computer for frivolous activities _

_The emergency bat credit card is for emergencies which do not include you being broke or in need of money for a date _

_Teach Ace the Bathound to fetch toilet paper is not an acceptable pastime when you're supposed to be doing your homework _

_Putting the word bat in front of the name of an object does not make it acceptable to take on patrol _

_My body parts do not require the word bat in front of them for me to know that they are mine. You will not label them while I am sleeping. _

_You are not allowed to put on my spare Batman costume to pick up girls _

_You are not allowed to paint the batmobile pink _

_Wearing yellow when the Green Lantern comes over is rude _

_Pelting Superman with foam Kryptonite as he walks in the cave stopped being funny a long time ago _

_Telling small children I'm the Grench who stole Christmas is not allowed _

_I am not Darth Vader _

_There is no such thing as "bat snuggle time" and telling girls they're just in time for it makes it no more acceptable to take them back to the cave to "snuggle" than it was before _

_You are not allowed to paint the walls with primitive cave paintings of our exploits _

_Programming the bat computer to say the Joker is holding up a Dairy Queen will not coerce me into buying you ice cream _

_You are not allowed to play hide and seek in the batcave. People get lost and are never found._

_You are not allowed to give Superman the number to the bat phone or any other number associated with me at all._

_You are not allowed to construct a swing in between the stalactites _

_Trying to use a trampoline to touch the stalactites will result in you being impaled _

"_Dick Greyson is a sexy beast" is not an appropriate file name crime files or any type of file for that matter _

"_But my parents are dead" is not a good excuse for avoiding work of any kind, neither is "but I'm special" or "but you love me". These things may be true, but they won't get you out of trouble. Stop trying. _

_Aquaman does not appreciate the nickname Wet Willy _

_There is no Jiggalo the bat hamster and I promise you, there never will be a jiggalo the bat hamster _

_Telling the little sluts I hang out with that I'm a vampire is not appropriate "table talk" for my "meet the family" meals_

_You will not drink the beer Green Arrow gives me, no matter how long I manage to avoid drinking it myself. _

_Threatening to kill yourself to get out of doing something doesn't work. I know you won't go through with it, you love yourself too much_

_Forty-two is not the answer to every one of the Riddler's riddles. It makes both me and him angry when you say that it is _

_Reprogramming the bat computer to say hello gorgeous every time you log on will not impress me _

_There is no point in hiding your bad test grades in the cracks in the batcave. I check those cracks everyday anyway so I will find them. _

_You are not allowed to show Alfred my secret places for hiding stuff I don't want him to throw away in the cave. _

_Changing your account name on the bat computer to "Red Robin yum" makes me look bad _

_You are not allowed to tell your friends I was trained by Chuck Norris _

_You are not allowed to kidnap the Atom and put him in a box to keep as a pet. Feeding him bread crumbs won't make him any more pleased about things either. _

_You are not allowed to look for loopholes in this list _

_You are not allowed to get rid of this list _

_You are not allowed to change this list _

_If anything happens to this list, YOU WILL DIE! _

With love, Bruce

KF and Robin turned to each other.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking Kid?" Robin asked.

"Yea", Kid said excitedly, "lets see if we can break every single one of these before he gets back."

"Come on", Robin snickered, leaping up. So, off they raced.

So friends, in order to make this list a complete success, I would enjoy some input on you part. Anything submitted will be immediately included into the story and if you would like acknowledgement for these, I will of course put up a note specifying the author of a specific point. Lets make this a collaboration among Batfanatics.


End file.
